To craft our beard oil, Buccaneer pirates searched the world’s shores for the purest, greatest, most badass ingredients in existence. With special tools we brewed these amazing oils into a tiny bottle, that when added to your beard has magical effects. Below I have broken down each ingredient into what it is and why we use it.
Sweet Almond Oil
There are two types of almond tree: sweet and wild. We chose the sweet variety to avoid the deadly cyanide that the wild type releases upon mechanical handling. Also, it is rich in vitamins A, B and E, minerals like magnesium, and high in Omegas 6 and 9. What the fuck does this mean?
Well, the vitamins moisturise without blocking pores, and soothe and replenish dry skin. Omegas boost your nervous system to help you remember what happened last night. And the mighty magnesium improves hair quality, prevents split ends, buffs your beard and removes dead skin cells thereby eliminating beardruff.
Grape Seed Oil
The placental byproduct of viticulture, grape seed oil is a wino’s bonus. And when applied to your beard and face it moisturises skin, strengthens hair and promotes its growth, stops ageing and smells delicious.
Thanks to the ban on whale oil, jojoba usurped the blubbery king of cosmetics. This is beneficial both to whales and your face as jojoba outshines sperm oil in all areas (except maybe name). Jojoba unclogs pores and never evaporates, so your skin remains moisturised. This can fool your skin into thinking it has produced enough oil, therefore balancing oil production and stopping acne. Not that pimples are visible beneath a beard, but you can’t hide pain.
Many have been marked with the scent of Sandalwood from some territorial hippie at a rave. However, its uses far surpass the deodorising of vagabonds. Sandalwood is used as an antiseptic, anti-inflammatory, antiphlogistic, antispasmodic, astringent, cicatrisant, carminative, diuretic, disinfectant, emollient, expectorant, hypotensive, memory booster, sedative and tonic substance. You can also sacrifice it to Hindu Gods and use it to decorate babies.
The grandfather of medicine, peppermint oil’s claims to cure are absolute. With the presence of menthol, menthone and menthyl esters, peppermint oil is found in everything from antacids to ice cream. Beardwise, it cools your skin, nourishes its cells, and smells like Gaia’s bosom.
This earthy oil has been a cornerstone in Chinese spiritual medicine for centuries. Benefits are named as heightened psychic awareness, a purified mind, and protection from electromagnetic energy. But if this is too alternative for the rational minded, lemongrass also attracts bees by mimicking a pheromone created by honeybees, and where there is honeybees there is lady bees.
Endemic to the sparse plains of Morocco, argan oil is known as an all-in-one syrum for skin, hair and tagines. Like its aforementioned roommates, argan moisturises skin, conditions hair, stops acne and dandruff, and smells fucking great. What separates it are its social and environmental benefits. The argan tree provides food, shelter, and protection from desertification, and oil production helps protect the trees from being cut down. Socially, 2.2 million people who may be otherwise impoverished are employed within the argan oil industry in Arganeraie, Morocco. So if you want to look good and save the world, keep sprucing that magnanimous beard.
So there you go, these are the core ingredients in our famous beard oil. These oils are expertly mixed together by our chief chemists to get the best combination that will get your beard to buccaneer status. So treat yourself and buy some now.