1. You can store things in it
Beards are often celebrated for their testosterone multiplying effect, their role as match-maker between you and women, and have been known to absorb heat and thus reduce global warming. However, their ability to hold household objects has continually been overlooked - until now.
Beardprenuer, Pierce Thoit, recently participated in an inter-family talent show, in which he dominated his relatives by sticking over 20 pencils into his beard.
This superb talent was the launching pad for a project called ‘Will It Beard’, which showcases Thoit’s rare talent of sticking things into his thick beard and features confetti, Cheetos, headphones, plastic figurines and our personal favourite – slinkies.
2. It can help you to become president
On October 15th, 1860, an eleven year old girl helped Abraham Lincoln to grow a beard, win the election and stop slavery. How?
Grace Bedell was concerned that Lincoln’s “thin, worry-lined face was so severe it might scare off voters”. So she wrote to him, and offered this timeless advice to Lincoln (and anyone who wishes to rectify their genetic deficiency) "let your whiskers grow".
And grow Lincoln did. At first he was hesitant, believing the public would see through the beard and recognise it as a “silly affectation”. However, he soon saw sense, and now the mere thought of beard is inseparable with the once clean shaven man, who changed the world forever.
3. Cutting a beard can get you 15 years in prison
In Ohio, 16 members (10 men, six women) of a rogue community of Amish heretics, ambushed and executed five beards, mostly by night.
The importance of beards to religion and general awesomeness is well documented, with Christianity, Islam, Judiasm and whatever religion the Amish follow, all regarding man-with-beard as powerful and no-beard-man as a sinner.
The Federal District Court agreed, and sentenced the leader of the beard-cutters to 15 years in prison for his ‘hate-crime, motivated by religion’.
So next time you face the mirror and contemplate Beardicide, think about your freedom.
4. Though beards are welcomed in prison
Early this year the U.S. Supreme Court voted 9 – 0 in favour of prison beards.
The tension arose when a warden judged an inmate’s beard as dangerous, fearing it may be used to smuggle contraband.
While we agree that beards are dangerous, and we have already mentioned their ability to conceal things, a debearded man is even more lethal.
In court, Justice Samuel Alito stated in defence of the beard-on-trial that “an item of contraband would have to be very small indeed to be concealed by an inch beard, and a prisoner seeking to hide an item in such a short beard would have to find a way to prevent the item from falling out”.
The judge obviously isn’t well acquainted with the unstoppable speed of beard growth or Mr Pierce Thoit's special talents.
5. Peak Beard is upon us
Scientists believe that a time when bearded men outnumber clean-shaven men is rapidly approaching and therefore the attractiveness of the beard is in decline.
This is due to ‘negative frequency-dependent sexual selection’ or more simply - rarity is sexy, and women can’t resist the peacock in the room.
However, the inherent paradox in this theory, and in life, is that as the world recalibrates and becomes less bearded, the bearded man will once again become supreme and therefore on a long enough timeline will always be supreme.
So if you want to be ahead of the craze that is ahead of us, then grow a beard and masquerade your prophetic powers with pride.
6. Shaving your beard can make centenarians happy
A yearding great, Scott Cleavand, who had a four year crumb-catcher growing from his chin, used his beard to leverage his way into his Grandma’s will.
Mr. Cleavand’s Grandma, Grandma Cleavand, was never a fan of his beard, and would often insult him and attempt to cut it as he slept.
Scott promised his Grandma that if she lived to 100 that he would shave it off. He followed through with his promise and destroyed four years of greatness in a second of grovelling charlatanism. Reports are divided as to whether his nearly blind Grandma even noticed, but they are unanimous in their admonishment of Scott.
By no means do we endorse Scott’s actions.
7. Shakespeare developed a language for beards
If you dig deep enough everything in Shakespeare is symbolic, but his representation of beards has more meaning than an English teacher’s wet dream.
First of all, in Shakespearean times mutilating a beard was basically the equivalent of spitting in someone’s face, and when Hamlet met with this prospect, he was understandably pissed off.
If you were “to beard” someone it meant you were challenging them to a duel, and men often threatened each other with “I will beard [insert name]” or “I will beard him”.
Stroking your beard while in conversation indicated that you favoured that person. And swearing by your beard committed you to an unbreakable oath.
Unlike Shakespeare, we believe these are completely relevant.
8. Beards are riddled with superstition
While we don’t condone delusions, these old beard myths are awesome – and probably more accurate than star signs.
Having a red beard is the sign of the devil – “beard of red, of the devil bred”. But if a man’s beard turns from grey back to his natural colour he will live forever.
If you wake a man by pulling his beard, he will be cursed with financial misfortune.
In the East, the beard was the mark of freedom and manhood, and if you were to lose your beard you were considered unlucky and shamed by the community.
In Syria, beards were so sacred you could not mention them, so if rice got stuck in a man’s beard you could only inform him through crazy metaphors like “The gazelle is in the garden!”.
Mahomedans buried the hairs which they combed from their beards as they believed angels would bless them, and they wore pasteboard crosses over their beards at night to maintain straightness and beauty.
The Chinese believed beardless men would become beggars. And in Russia if you had no beard you had no soul, and if you shaved you were banned from heaven.
9. Navigate with your beard.
Your beard doubles as a compass.
If you dip your beard in a bowl of water and then lightly sprinkle it with metal shavings, then it will start pointing north.
We are not sure about the scientific validity of the beard compass, but we are assuming that the origin of the beard is in the North Pole, and like a dog sniffing out cheese, beards sense their home and yearn to return to it – and the metal makes it look badass.
10. It is time to start growing
Beards produce over 30,000 hairs on your face and in one year can grow 5.5 inches. These hairs protect your skin from UV, produce natural oils and soften punches.
If you knew the power of the beard at puberty and never shaved you could grow a beard 27.5 feet long. And you would have saved over 4.5 months of staring at yourself in the mirror if you had the forethought to ditch the razor.
While all these facts offer support to anyone considering to beard, you must ultimately decide whether you want to be more awesome. If the answer is yes: stop shaving, start growing and grab destiny by the beard. – Miles Bouchard.
1. Grossman, S 2014, 'Meet the Guy Who Makes Sticking Everyday Objects in His Beard Into An Art Form', Time.Com, p. 1, Health Business Elite, EBSCOhost, viewed 1 April 2015.
2. Latson, J 2014, 'The Super Cute Story Behind Abraham Lincoln's beard', Time.Com, p. 1, Health Business Elite, EBSCOhost, viewed 1 April 2015.
3. Kraybill, DB 2015, 'Hate Crime Laws: What the Amish Beard Cutting Case Means for the Rest of Us', Time.Com, p. N.PAG, Health Business Elite, EBSCOhost, viewed 1 April 2015.
4. Frizell, S 2015, 'Supreme Court Rules in Favor of Beards in Prison', Time.Com, p. N.PAG, Health Business Elite, EBSCOhost, viewed 1 April 2015.
5. Stewart, D 2014, 'If We Have Reached 'Peak Beard' It's Bad News for Men Everywhere', Time.Com, p. 1, Health Business Elite, EBSCOhost, viewed 1 April 2015.
6. Waxman, OB 2014, 'Guy's Grandma Hated His Beard So He Shaved It For Her 100th Birthday', Time.Com, p. 1, Health Business Elite, EBSCOhost, viewed 1 April 2015.
7. Dyer, TF 1884, ‘Folklore of Shakespeare’, Harper & Brothers, New York.
8. Dails, CL 2012, ‘Encyclopedia of Superstitions, Folklore, and the Occult Sciences of the World’, University Press of the Pacific, United States.