1. Young Girls Don’t Hit On You Anymore
Growing a beard is a fast way to deter younger girls. Through the grommet’s perception, or grom goggles, a beard causes you to leap demographics, ageing from hot older man into gross older Dad with each unshaven day. While the reduced check-outs may negatively affect your self-esteem – no longer supplying you with that cursory hit of ego – your girlfriend will love your platonic chats with drunken teeny boppers, and appreciate your unreciprocated eye flirting at McDonalds.
2. Because Biology
Sexual evolution was first proposed by Charles Darwin in his timeless manifesto The Origin of Intimacies. ‘Survival of the beardest’ is the process of sexual selection whereby men with beards are regarded as stronger, fitter and more powerful, a sign that your genes are worthy of reproduction. No doubt your girlfriend’s ovaries have sensed this, causing her to gush every time you pass a baby on the street.
3. Beard Oil Smells Nice
For those of you too timid to wear cologne, beard oil is a delicious substitute that makes you smell great without sacrificing your idea of masculinity. The olfactory system transmits signals to the limbic part of your brain, triggering memories and emotions. In other words, the smells of sandalwood and lemongrass will not only make your girlfriend happier, they’ll transport her back to her ‘enlightenment’ in India. And if you really want to get intense, you can use classical conditioning to pair the smell of your beard with a sexual response, transforming your beard oil into her psychological aphrodisiac.
4. It Fends Off Creeps
In my experience a big, thick beard is great at warding of miscreants and other foul creatures of the night. With your girl tucked under your arm weirdoes seem to be repelled by the beard, less likely to harass her or ask you for spare change. Now I’m still not sure whether they are intimidated by the beard, or it simply shows them that the creep spot has been filled, but either way your woman will dig the respite.
5. Stubble Will Never Be Complained About Again
This point is more for the post-beard period. In the shadow of your monstrous yeard (beard for a year or more), any facial hair sequels will thin in comparison. Your girlfriend will cease noticing any beard short of Zeus, and when her friends point out your stubble she will remain unaware, even when her face is covered in pash rash.
6. Girlfriends love to groom
Social grooming is an activity in which individuals in a group clean or maintain one another's body or appearance. Most of you will recognize this as the irritating pain of your girlfriend scouring your back for pimples every time you take your shirt off. Though, beards can be a new source of cohesion. Beards are prone to ingrown hairs, which are thicker, blacker and stronger, and when pulled out often release a mine of pus for them to harvest. Before you freak out, let’s not pretend that girlfriends don’t get high off this shit; science has proved that the beta-endorphin released during grooming relaxes your girlfriend and strengthens your relationship.
So give back to the females of the world and grow a fucking beard – Miles Bouchard.