Like it or not, having a beard changes the way you think. It’s as if beard hairs grow in as well as out, and rewire pathways in your brain, opening up new channels of thought, modes of perception and untapped potential. Once bearded, you will never be the same.
But don’t fret – your beard’s takeover will be gradual. You lack the perspective to notice your transformation. ‘Creeping normality’ is what the eggheads call it. At first, when people greet your beard instead of you, the neglect will feel odd, though within a few months the beard will handle all preliminary meetings.
As you grow out, your beard gets increasingly needy and you will tend to it as if it were a dependent child, becoming accustomed to its moods and demands. Beard oil is now your beard's best friend.
After meals, instead of feeling relaxed and satiated, you rush to the bathroom to check on your beard, ensuring that it is safe and clean, left wondering where half that pumpkin soup went.
Is the beard hungry or am I?
“Hey beard” your friends and acquaintances will say, and while you relish the compliment, you wonder if they remember your name or what your chin looks like.
Yesterday, you caught your reflection in a window and could swear that your beard smiled at you, though it might have been a smirk.
And when you are not looking at your own beard, other beards master your attention. Leggy blondes get lost and forgotten in a hairy mass of endless cuts, styles, shapes and lengths.
You name your beard and have lengthy discussions with “Hairy Maclary”, “Jackie Chan” or “Steve” – mostly about girls – and sometimes it will seem as if it talks back. His advice is always sound.
You are now reliant upon your beard for smooth brain functioning. When thought processes are jammed and confused, a stroke of the beard or a tweaked moustache provides instant wisdom.
Shaving is a joke, but you keep your razor around – its presence offers the semblance of control. One day you find the razor broken in half, in the bin, with beard hairs caught in its fractured edges and write the incident off as a bad dream.
It is not uncommon for your beard to begin conjuring ideas, passing them off as your own, like I wonder if there will ever be waitresses with small beard combs to brush out crumbs after my meals, or, are armpits also beards?
And when your beard decides to abandon your career and form a beard product company to help the lives of beards worldwide you will know that the usurpation is complete.
My advice is not to struggle; being hairy is being godly. Anyways, beards are benevolent leaders and let’s face it, your world is far more interesting under its control. So exchange ‘selfhood’ for ‘beardhood’ and live the beard, breathe the beard and be the beard. Though, this might just be my beard talking.
– Miles Bouchard