Beards are to curly, what coffee is to functioning or white is to privilege – they are inextricable, it is pointless to debate their correlation, and to deny it is merely an indication of ignorance. However, some brains need less coffee, some white people are rednecks and some beards look like face poodles.
Beards are designed to be curly. It’s all in the asymmetry: while head hair (when straight) grows in perfect cylindrical tubes, face hairs are thicker, coarser and flatter, and therefore turn in on each other and curl.
Scientists use terms like local helixes and global helixes to explain the physics of curls, but all you really need to know is that, in the same way gravity will never allow you to fly, beards will never be naturally straight.
That is not to say that you can’t jump really high on a trampoline, or rub beard oil into your beard and blow dry the fuck out of it, it’s just that these effects will be temporary. So here is our brief guide to brief straightness, a conversion camp for you beard.
Firstly, buying a beard specific straightener or blow drier and frying out your beard and potentially burning yourself is an option. There are products available that chemically straighten your beard – you can research this more yourself if you like, but we pirates prefer the crude and tested instruments of beard oil, beard combs and beard scissors.
Beard Oil: Curly beards are denser than other beards, and therefore need more maintenance to prevent tangles and knots. This all natural concoction, brewed in the man caves of East Coast Australia, conditions your beard, making it soft, healthy and straight.
Beard Comb: Once your beard is lathered in oil it is ready for its daily comb. The tines of the comb will gently redirect your face fuzz and turn your chin noodles into linguine. The best combs to buy are hand-crafted, as machine-cut drug store versions will destroy your beard (and make it more curly).
Beard Scissors: Trimming your beard will help remove the dead and split ends, thereby promoting growth, health and reducing entanglement. Once again, quality matters. You wouldn’t use a butter knife on a T-bone, so don’t cut your beard with kitchen scissors. The Germans at Dovo have been crafting blades for centuries and have understandably forged the perfect beard scissors.
Moustache Wax: If you've got a curly beard, chances are you've got a curly moustache. There are many benefits to applying moustache wax and applying it each day will train your moustache to go in the areas you prefer.
Finally, embrace your beard and its personality. Some matters are beyond our control – you can’t choose your eye colour or your kids gender – so don’t try, just be happy with what you got. Your beard makes you who you are. While curls may get the girls, humility gets the ladies. – Miles Bouchard.