To attain the perfect beard you must first master the five teachings of beard grooming: oiling, combing, trimming, shaping and waxing. It is only then that you can become a God. In this article I will provide the bearings for your journey to Beardtopia, because while the destination may be the same for all, each path is unique and cannot be foretold. So listen carefully, remain focused and resolute, pack the necessary ancient knowledge and special tools, and you will reach your goal and the mighty gates of beard will be forever opened to you.
Lesson 1 – Oiling
Before you begin your journey you must acquire a beard oil potion. This is the first and most important item for your beard grooming kit as it is integral to all stages of bearding. When little hairs begin sprouting from your face they are going to be itchy as fuck and beard oil will sedate them. As your beard grows longer and stronger it will become unruly and beard oil will whip it into place.
Buccaneer beard oil is made from all natural ingredients. It conditions, straightens and moisturizes, and its delicious smell gives your beard a huge power bonus. The amount of oil to use differs based on the size of your beard. For smaller beards 2 - 3 drops will do. Once your chin starts to disappear and you move closer to a yeard, 10-plus drops are needed. These amounts will vary based on beard density, climate – dry conditions need more oil – and your choice of beard style, so do what feels right for you. Don’t be afraid to be liberal, the more the better, there is no limit. For sufficient protection and power, beard oil should be applied daily.
Lesson 2 – Combing
The technique of combing is invaluable to your quest. Beards don’t grow straight. They bend and curl and tangle. The difference between a patchy face forest and a handsome hedge lies in a good combing. In seeking out the right beard comb for your inventory, you need to focus on three qualities: sturdy teeth, hand-sawn tines, and a polished finish. The gypsy at your local drug store is a charlatan and will attempt to ruin your beard with cheap combs that snag and maim. Though if you use your erudition you will be able to bypass the wily gypsy and earn yourself a Kent Comb, granting you 300 years of comb knowledge which will instantly evolve your beard.
The old scrolls of combing will tell you to first apply beard oil to make your beard malleable. Then comb slowly and gently to spread the oil evenly while maintaining a straight angle as you work from top to bottom and side to centre. Now lift your beard and comb down those sneaky neck hairs to ensure your beard shows its full length. Your beard is now educated in its proper direction and will continue to grow that way. Well done.
Lesson 3 – Trimming & Shaping
So you have crossed the turbulent river of petty workplace insults using the I don’t give a fuck raft, and successfully fought off a swarm of itchy beard with a beard oil potion. You have achieved a decent beard level, but are starting to look like a bum, and there is no room for bums in Beardtopia. It’s time to trim and shape.
To effectively trim you will need to add two new items to your beard grooming kit: beard scissors and clippers. In Germania, the knights of Dovo have sculpted the world’s sharpest blades that hold and cut beard hair with utmost accuracy and precision. Get these.
Firstly, dry your beard – it is impossible to grasp its full length when it’s wet and you may end up cutting too much and losing a beard life. Now use your beard oil potion and exercise your comb ability; however this time, comb backwards to force the beard to expose itself. Now the scraggly dissenting hairs will venture out of the flock, and when they do, mow them down. Don’t let any escape. But do so slowly, because a hasty trim can cause more harm than good.
Next, grab a pair of clippers. Shave your upper cheeks where you want your beard line to start. You can choose a half-moon or straight line; both offer a healthy steeze bonus. Now hone in on your neck line, and decide whether you want to go for a rounded beard or a box beard. Their compatibility points are based on your face shape – round face go boxy, box face go roundy. It’s all about contrast.
Secret Lesson – Moustache
Congratulations, your high score has given you access to the secret caves of moustache maintenance. Now that you have entered the glorious land of beards you will want to stand out from the pack, and a well groomed moustache is the exact power-up you need. That is why moustache wax is the holy grail of beard grooming products.
Firstly, give it a quick trim, but be creative – you can leave the edges long for a Frenchy boost, go the Hitler bush for a Nazi special, or the hairy brush to enhance deductive reasoning.
Now get some wax. The Buccaneer secret formula will keep your liperpillar soft and shiny, hold it for days, and make it smell like flowers are growing from your face. It will also give you the ability to mould and shape your mo as you see fit, which is now your permanent upgrade.
Welcome to Beardtopia! You have successfully mastered the four ancient lessons of beard grooming. Your beard is now a radiant God and it has the power to tear down trees, carve stone, sweat diamond, and cause whiplash if you nod too fast. Although do not get comfortable – there is only enough room in the promised land for the finest beards, so keep maintaining your hairy avatar such that it is always ready, because only the strong survive. Chen Qui - Miles Bouchard.