Growing a beard is like losing your virginity. It takes time, perseverance and puberty (and sometimes a bit of luck). Beards won’t let you have it all at once. You see, beards share the same needs as women – commitment, maintenance and intimate understandings. Once trust has been formed, and your beard is confident that a passing impulse or moment of doubt won’t see it traded in for a younger model, then she will grant you access to a secret world beyond your wildest imaginings. Though, if you fail to provide for your beard along the way don’t be surprised if it leaves you down a piss drenched alleyway with some ungroomed hobos, trying to piece together the lonely patches of your face fluff.
Growing a beard is a process, so don’t rush, face hair can’t be fooled into bed with you. You must relish each step. So to assist your journey we have assembled a list of bearded milestones to keep you on track to popping your face cherry.
First Base: Beard Kiss
So you’re totally green. Beards are as foreign to you as North Korea and fallopian tubes. This might be your first experimentation with bearding or you may have just lost your job/girlfriend/inhibitions and are keen to get back in touch with your old chin friend. Maybe you simply decided to be more awesome. Anyways, we congratulate you. While the first months of beard growth don’t yield the most gratifying results, they are certainly the most challenging. Not only will you begin looking like a bum, and raise questions and eyebrows from colleagues and your partner, you will have to overcome the great wardens of beard growth: Patchy and Itchy. Your resilience will be tested, your confidence ruffled, though for those of you who persevere through the doldrums of first base, the finest pleasures await.
- READ: What you need to know when growing a beard.
- READ: Why your girlfriend secretly loves your beard.
- READ: How to deal with patchy beard.
- READ: How to deal with itchy beard.
Second Base: Beardplay
You’ve convinced your beard that you’re not a bad guy. You stuck by its side through the itchiness and the insults, the patch and the scruff, and now things are starting to come together. While some lucky guys have beards that require little maintenance and can let go of the steering wheel and cruise to fourth base with little to no effort, for the rest of us, bearding is an arduous process that needs the delicacy and tact of a renaissance sculptor, or horny teenager. Now is the time to get your hands involved. You will have noticed that your beard has begun sprouting stray hairs from the pack, like trees fighting for sunlight in a canopy, they must be disciplined into the social order of the beard. This is your first dabble with beardplay, so enjoy it, be creative, grab some beard oil, a comb and scissors and work your neckline and get those cheeks purring. You may not be the coolest dude out, but you’re no longer a stranger to beardsmanship.
- READ: How to trim your beard.
- READ: How to use beard oil.
- READ: How to choose the right beard scissors.
Third Base: Facellatio
Your beard respects you. You have provided for it and proven that you’re not going to shave anytime soon. Your beard feels safe and secure. It is bordering on using the word love, but doesn’t want to rush into anything. So it just gives you oral beard instead – the moustache. Chances are the first few tries will end in embarrassment. In an attempt to keep the hairs out of your mouth, you may have cut one-side unevenly and are left with a lopsided grin. Some, yet to learn the power of moustache wax, will accidentally catfish, instead of feeling the full pleasures of curling the mo.
Don’t be surprised if your beard starts moving things into your apartment: cheesy bits of lasagne, toothpicks, a snail – this is merely a sign of trust. No doubt friends will grow more aware of the beard’s presence, especially at meal times, though don’t let their jealousy sway you, you know what you and your beard share is special.
Fourth Base: Chintercourse
You have a fucking yeard. Well done beardsman. By now you have mastered all aspects of the beard – you instinctively know when it’s feeling dehydrated, wants a brush, needs attention, and in return it has allowed you to penetrate the world of awesomeness. It feels good doesn’t it. It is only now that you can really start tweaking your style, throwing your beard around, getting comfortable with people staring at you in awe. Your youthful tribulations of clean face, sweaty palms and beard-consciousness seem like a lifetime ago as you strut confidentially, knowing that your face has fulfilled its destiny.
So get out of here you virile young man, and remember, this is only the beginning – Miles Bouchard